Baby Liliana

I don't know why, but the past week I find myself looking back at Liliana's old baby pictures A LOT.  I find myself reminiscing on the first few months of her life and at times wishing I could just go back to that time just for a day.  

Liliana Cristina Tepas was born on December 2nd, 2008 at 1:50pm.  She was 6 lbs 12 oz and 18 inches long.  She was born into a birthing tub in the living room of our home after 17 hours of labor.  Giving birth was the single most profound experience of my life and I will never forget it.  Laboring and giving birth at home was the most beautiful thing.  It was harder than I ever imagined, but in the end worth any pain I could have felt.  

Not one person could have prepared me for the emotions that came with having a baby girl.  Having a girl was something I wished for and didn't know if it would be until she came out.  I have never experienced the degree of love as I did those first few days of her life.  I found myself crying endlessly completely overwhelmed by love and emotion.  It was so intense.  

Maybe I am remembering all this now as she is getting a little older.  I know she will only be 3 in December, but she is growing by leaps and bounds every day.  Eduardo will hardly believe how much she has changed in 4 months when he sees her soon.  She has always been her own little person with her moods and personality, but now it's 10-fold.  

At times it can be hard to handle, especially raising her on my own right now.  But in these last hours of the night when I see my baby girl laying in bed so peacefully, I get taken back to the pure space of love I have unconditionally for this little being.  She is my greatest gift and my greatest Teacher.  

Maybe I am at the time that a lot of women come to when they have another baby.  Maybe it fills that yearning inside.  I do not know if I will ever have another child.  I always say I won't and God knows Eduardo does not want to, but there's also that chance if it's meant to be.  It's not something I want really, especially not now, but we never know ;)

All I know now is that I love my Liliana more than I could ever put into words and that's the feeling I have to hold tight through the battles we seem to get into lately.  She really is my calm in the storm, even when she is the storm.  

Viva Guatemala!

We are headed to Guatemala in 9 days to see Eduardo!  I found tickets last week on sale and jumped at the possibility of us going.  It took several days to decide and book the tickets, but we are sooo excited.  I made a calendar for Liliana so we can check off the days until we go see papi :)  She's a bit confused because she thinks we are going to El Salvador and seeing Abuela, Maynor and Daniela (her grandma and sister and brother), but I keep explaining we are just going on vacation to visit only papi in Guatemala.  I think she understands most of the time ;)  Hopefully once she sees him, that will be all she needs!  

I had a friend of mine offer to work my Kelsey's Cultured Foods booth at the Farmer's Market on the Saturday I will be gone and it was such a surprise and relief.  That was my biggest hesitation because Saturday is my most profitable day of the week.  I'm so grateful to have such wonderful people in my life :)  

We are leaving on Wednesday, Sept 28th and will be back on Tuesday, October 4th.  Since the flights were so cheap, it also means about 14 hours of traveling with 2 layovers each way!!  Wish me luck with that one.  I had another friend offer to let us borrow her mini-dvd player for the trip and I'm hoping that will save the day.  At least I have flown enough with Liliana at this point to not really be surprised by anything that could happen.  I just pray for the best.

I'm not sure where we will stay yet while we are there.  We still need to hash out the details.  It also depends a lot on how much money I can make before we go.  I only have one more Saturday before we go so hopefully it's a highly profitable one so we can have a nice little vacay!!  God knows we need it.  I'm hoping this will give the 3 of us the little boost we all seem to need right now to get us through the next few months :)  

Truth Tuesday

I am joining in on Truth Tuesday!  After reading what it is, I felt really compelled to share my truths as well.  Check what Nina from www.ninaonthemoon.com has to say about creating Truth Tuesday as a way to "share a personal fact, a belief, a wish, a dream,an achievement/accomplishment, or even something I feel guilty about!"

My truth this week is this:

I am a way more spiritual being than I show or talk about.  I have shut that part out of my life for far too long now and I am ready to let it back in.  I no longer want my negative past experiences within a meditation community to let me run myself into the ground when I know I am capable of being bigger and better and more fulfilled than I am now.  

One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

...That is how this immigration process is feeling at the moment.  After 3 days of intense medical tests last week, the gastroentologist finally concluded that Eduardo's physical issues are not alchohol-related as we already knew.  The doctor was a very nice guy and even wrote Eduardo a long note to the psychiatrist explaining his condition and what the cause was.  His liver and kidney are no longer enlarged and he basically just needs to lose 20 lbs to get the extra fat away from his organs.  

We were so happy by that news and Eduardo went straight over the the psychiatrist's office with the note and medical records he had requested.  The doctor was not in and he explained everything to the secretary.  The secretary then called the psychiatrist and he said to have Eduardo call the next day and to get a note from the AA meetings he has been attending saying he has been going there every day.  

So he called the next day as instructed only to be told that his appointment is scheduled for October 25th and that's when he should go, despite the test results.  AND he has to continue to go to the AA meetings every single night.  Luckily my dear husband is actually finding some comfort in those meetings and it's helping to pass the days.  He tried to beg and plead with the psychiatrist, but he got transferred back to the secretary who then told him that it was a bad day to call because the doctor was in a really bad mood!  So this one guy's bad mood is basically screwing our lives?!  

Poor Eduardo was so devastated.  I have felt kind of numb to the news.  There have been times when I want to break down and cry, but I haven't allowed myself to quite yet.  There is so much anger and hurt and frustration that I can't even express any emotion about it.  Usually I am quite open and wanting to share our immigration experiences with anyone and everyone, but I just can't right now.  It's almost too much to bear to even think about.  

So we are now back to looking at November.  I had already called the embassy to reschedule his final appointment and being hopeful I scheduled it for September 28th.  Eduardo will still go and turn in all the documents that we have and explain what is going on with the medical so they don't start to question things.  Then in the end hopefully all we will need is the medical signed and he can get his visa.  I think my heart just might break in half if he is not here by Thanksgiving, so that is my prayer.  

Thank you to everyone who is supporting us through this time.  I'm doing what I can to keep Liliana feeling safe and secure without her papi.  I know she misses him dearly.  She even tells me all the time.  The thing she wants more than anything in the world is "to sit on papi's lap on the couch." :(

I know big things are awaiting us and each day new opportunities are opening up for me here.  I'm praying this is all for a bigger reason and that someday soon that reason will be revealed.  Until then, we welcome all prayers!!

My New Website!

I'm very excited to announce that my website for my Cultured Veggie business is up and running!  I have spent many hours late in to the night the past few weeks trying to get it ready.  It's not the fanciest of websites as I did it all myself and I'm no genius when it comes to those kinds of things.  But, I won't put myself down.  I think I have created exactly what I needed, which is a site people can go to learn all about the benefits of cultured foods and all my info.  I even have a section for my Esperanza Imports stuff, which is exciting.  Now I need to take some time to update this blog with all the new info!  You can check it out at www.kelseysculturedfood.com and I also have my facebook page at www.facebook.com/kelseysculturedfoods.  Now I must go to bed to get ready for the Farmers Market.  I have to get Liliana and myself up at 5:30am!  My mom has been out of town forever now it feels like and so I have to take the little one to my friend's house in the morning before the market.  Wish me luck :)

Acceptance

Today a mere comment on the weather got me thinking all day about this topic.  Acceptance.  So often I find that in general there are so many things about ourselves and our fellow humans that we do not accept.  For some reason over the past month or so I have been realizing how different, really different we all are.  That's what makes the human race so darn interesting.  We all have passions and interests that we share with others, but we are all individual and unique.  And that's exactly what we need to accept.  If we are constantly judging and expecting others to be like us and feel like us, then we will be constantly disappointed and frustrated with each other.  

When Liliana was just 5 months old, my mom and I took her and went by ourselves on a trip to El Salvador.  Eduardo's mom was sick at the time and since he couldn't go, I said I would go for him.  Now we spoke only a few words of Spanish at that time and nobody there spoke any English.  But we went and it was an experience that changed my life

You see until that trip, I constantly judged even my partner.  I did not understand why he did the things he did for his family, like sending the money every other week like every other good Spanish person does.  It frustrated me and there were things I just couldn't relate to, until I took that trip.  I had been to Mexico before and I lived in Canada for 4 years, but this was different.  I had immersed myself in a 3rd world country and I found a whole new appreciation for life in that experience.  I had a new-found appreciation for others I hadn't experienced before.  I've always been quite compassionate I believe, but this took it to a whole new level.  

My point is that you never know what someone else is feeling or experiencing or what they have been through in their lives.  The may be happy or sad or angry.  Who knows what got them feeling that way and if we really step back, their mood really doesn't need to affect us.  It may be little things like someone not liking the cold weather when someone else thinks it feels perfect outside.  There are so many little things like that we take for granted.  We don't realize how different someone else might be experiencing the world and that it's okay.  

I'm not saying I don't judge people or the ways they do things.  I have my parenting styles and do the things I do for a reason and for me it is the best choice.  I don't always understand why other people make the choices they do, but I have to accept the things I cannot change.  It doesn't mean I don't put my opinion out there and hope others will catch on, but if they don't, I have done my best.  And if someone thinks they are rockin with an old 80's hairdo, then power to them.  Who am I to judge?   

Pysch Evaluation Gone Bad...

Our immigration case has taken a turn for the worse, unfortunately.  Eduardo went on Friday for his Embassy required psych evaluation.  At the evaluation he learned that the medical reports from the medical exams he had the week before showed some problems including an enlarged liver.  For most people this might not have looked so bad, but for him it did.  

I'm hesitant to even talk about it here as it's very personal, but my poor hubby had a DUI in 2007.  It was Halloween and we had been drinking and it was really just as much my fault as his.  But he's the one that got caught and we have been paying the price dearly since then.  Maybe by telling you all it will help someone out there see that the effects of drinking and driving are not worth it AT ALL!  

So anyway, because of his prior history, the enlarged liver is being seen as he might have a current problem with alcohol.  We know this is ridiculous because he barely has money for food in El Salvador, let alone alcohol, but there seems to be nothing we can do to change the mind of the psychiatrist at this point.  

We all have had MANY physical problems and sicknesses while being in El Salvador.  It took Liliana and I at least a month to recover after coming back to the States.  I think Eduardo's problems have only gotten worse due to his diet since I have left.  I am not there to take care of him and make sure he eats well.  And there's only so much money I can afford to send him every week.  It makes me really sad to think about it :(  

So for now the psychiatrist has basically sentenced him to 2 months of alcohol classes.  He has an appointment to return to the doctor on October 25th at which time the doctor said he will approve his medical waiver and we can proceed like we thought we were going to now.  

Tomorrow morning, Eduardo is also supposed to schedule an appointment with a gastroentologist to see what is really going on.  I'm praying for 2 things:  1) That they come to the conclusion that  alcohol is NOT the cause of his problems and 2) that my husband DOES NOT have some serious illness!  We don't know yet when the appointment will be or when the test results will come after the appointment.  All we know is that he will not be coming home soon.

When he told me I sobbed like I haven't since we left El Salvador.  It was too much to handle.  My poor baby witnessed it all too and I feel bad about that.  None of us slept that night.  I am carrying on now because I have to, but I'm torn up inside.  The only thing getting me through these days was thinking he would be home soon.  

I will keep you posted on what becomes of all this, if anything.

Liliana's Summer Days

So what I really want to do at 3am when I can't sleep is complain, but you have had enough of that from me  so I am going to focus this post on the most important thing in my life instead...Liliana!  She is what the blog is about anyway :)  And it's so fun to focus on her too!

Here is a photo re-cap of things we have done this summer so far:

At the Zoo!

Looking at the Zebras at the Zoo.  They were her favorite of the day.

Hanging out with her friend Henry.

We discovered bath crayons :)

Having fun at the State Fair!

Helping Mami at the Farmers Market.

At the State Fair again with Nana and Pops and rode on some rides that time.

At the park.

Our Wednesdays playdates with her friend Elise.

Playing with her babies :)

Being Cute!

Trying to run away from the picture taking :)

My gorgeous girl!

The Checklist

We received the next step in our process last Friday.  It's THE CHECKLIST.  Oooh.  Eduardo received a packet of information in the mail including his official approval letter and a list of all the documents we need to gather and bring to the last interview.  Included in this, he is also required to have another medical exam since it has been over a year since the first one he had.  This will run us another $300 or so like the first one and some doctor in El Salvador is getting really rich off of the poor bastards people like us that have no choice but to go to them.

Eduardo has been trying to call to schedule his final appointment with no luck today.  He can't seem to get through to the right person who does the scheduling.  They won't just connect you with someone else, you see.  You have to hang up and call the numbers in the "packet", which is a number that will cost you $7 to call of course.  Again, a super wonderful way for them to make money.  We have to pay to make our own fricking appointment!  I'm hoping to hear back from someone on the forum to see if there is another number we can call.

Eduardo actually went for the medical today with again no luck.  He got there at 7am and it was too late.  The offices were closed on Monday so there was a backlog of people waiting.  They had reached the maximum amount of people for the day and told Eduardo to go back tomorrow and be there at 5am.  

The biggest bummer was that Eduardo had driven the car into the city and now wasted $20 in gas for NOTHING.  $20 may not seem like a lot to most people, especially in the States.  But in El Salvador, it's a lot of money and for hubby right now, it's a LOT of money.  Poor guy :(  So he drove home and packed a bag to then take the bus back to the city.  He is staying at his aunt's house tonight because there's not a bus from our town that will get him to the city by 5am.  He will call me tomorrow after the appointment.  

So I'm hoping tomorrow we make some progress and I will update ya'll.  My goals for tomorrow are to 1.) have Eduardo's medical exam done and 2.) to have his final appointment at the embassy scheduled.  The appointments are being scheduled for 3-4 weeks out at this point so I'm hoping that will give us a general idea of when he may be able to come back.  Yay!!  Whenever it is, it's not soon enough :)

I Miss El Salvador

I bet you guys NEVER thought you would hear me say that, huh??  LOL!  

Well, it's true.  There are a lot of things I don't miss, but there are also a lot I do miss.  I spoke with my suegra (mother-in-law) yesterday and every time I hear her voice, it takes me back to the country I called my own for what felt like so long.  It's true what they say about things.  We really do always miss and want what we don't have.  

I have been ever so glad that Liliana and I returned to Indiana when we did, but I honestly wish we could go back for a visit.  I wish we could go back and say our last final goodbyes.  I just don't feel complete with it.  When we left, it was only supposed to be for a couple of months in the summer.  I NEVER even imagined it would be August and we would be approved and not have to go back to El Salvador.  I honestly still can't believe this is all so real!

But we never properly said our goodbyes and I was never able to fully show my appreciation for all of Eduardo's family putting up with my grumpy ass for a year and a half.  LOL.  If I had the money, I would fly down there in a heartbeat to wrap it all up.  I do still have ALL of my belongings down there as well, you see.  And the control freak in me cannot stand the thought of other people touching or packing my stuff up, including my own husband! Ha.  

I am making my list of the things I want Eduardo to bring back, but I don't know how he will do it.  I think I will have to pay for extra bags.  He has said we will go back at some point and get everything, but who knows when that will be.  

Liliana misses her brother and sister desperately.  She has been asking for them a lot.  I found our large wall collage frames in storage and hung them in our room here.  She looks at the pictures of Maynor and Daniela all the time and says how she misses them.  I can't even imagine what she must think of all this.  I know she is dying to see her papi.  I made the mistake of telling her he is coming soon and now she is asking all day long if we are going to pick papi up at the airport today.  Her poor little 2 1/2 year old brain can't wrap itself around the concept of "soon" quite yet.  

So yes, I think Liliana longs for the ever-flowing watermelons and frescas of El Salvador and the loving family atmosphere around all the time.  But I also know we are happy here more than ever and I know she enjoys all the freedoms we have here than we did down there.  

I'm glad that Eduardo and I agree that we will always have two homes...El Salvador and Indiana!  And we will go back and forth as much as life allows.