Stand By Your Man

I was having a phone conversation a couple days ago that got me thinking.  In the convo we were talking about my next trip back to Indianapolis and how long Liliana and I would stay.  We travel back to Indy from El Salvador every 3 months.  I only get a 90 day visa each time I enter the country which I could extend, but the main reason I go is to make money to bring back to our virtually economy-less country.  The trips have been hard and I prefer to go for the minimum amount of time necessary.  The main reason is mostly about Eduardo.  I know Liliana is good at adjusting to new situations easily, but the international travelling takes a toll and after about 2 weeks, she is good and ready to be back home, which is now El Salvador.  

From the beginning of our Immigration journey, we knew Eduardo would eventually have to leave the U.S. and return to El Salvador to apply for residency from his home country.  We were nervous about that idea, but we were in the beginning stages of applying.  When the time got closer, the decision was fairly easy.  It was scary, but easy to make.  We both completely agreed that the best choice for our family was to stay TOGETHER no matter what!  I had read so many stories about other families being literally torn apart by immigration and I was determined not to let that happen to our family.  Eduardo's other 2 kids had grown up never knowing their papa and I was certainly not going to let that happen to Liliana.  Eduardo and her have always had a good strong bond and I wanted to see that continue to build.  It was hard saying goodbye to everything I have ever known and coming to a country I hardly knew, but I was willing to do whatever it took to keep us together.  That was what we are trying to do in the long run anyway, so why not stay together through it all?  

I understand this situation is not possible for everyone.  We are lucky Liliana was still a baby and not in school and I have a flexible at-home job.  Staying in the States trying to work full-time living on my own with a toddler just wasn't an option.  I saw no way to make that work without compromising my values as a mother.  And to this day I still won't compromise in certain aspects of our life.  

I'm not saying Eduardo and I have been the perfect happy couple in ES either.  Far from it actually.  This journey has tested our relationship far beyond anyone's comfort zone.  But we continue to rise about it and keep our heads up.  We know we can get through this and come out on top.  I know that if our relationship can sustain these couple of years, we will last a lifetime.  

Back to the phone conversation!  I was saying how it would be nice if I did have a place in the States I could go to for a couple months with a car to work.  We have been struggling financially and I am willing to do whatever is necessary to put food on the table for my family.  From the other end of the phone I got this reply:  "You wouldn't do that even if you had a car and apartment here because you just aren't willing to be apart from Eduardo."  I was taken by surprise by this comment.  Am I meant to feel guilty that I don't want to be separated from my husband?  Am I supposed to feel guilty that I want my daughter to grow up with her father through these vital early developmental stages?  I just haven't been able to get that comment out of my mind.  Yes, I will do whatever I have to, but I feel I have already given everything to keep us together.  What more can I possibly give?  And why should I feel bad about it?  I think the fact that we want to be together is a good thing!

Yesterday we went for a visit to one of our aunt's houses.  They had been in town and we gave them a ride back out to el monte.  I commented to Eduardo that Tia Minga and her husband Don Nacho are always together.  They go everywhere together all the time.  They have 8 children, have lost 3 and have endured so much in their lives, yet they have stuck together in a way I don't know if I have ever seen before.  He had even gone to the States one time and came back because he couldn't bare to be away from his wife.  Many saw that as a stupid move, but I see it as more romantic.  When I mentioned how supportive Don Nacho is of his wife, going everywhere with her and helping her in every way, Eduardo said they have always been like this their whole lives.  He said "it's because they love each other so much."  That really hit home and I respect them as a couple so much and aspire to be a couple like them even as we get older.  No matter what happens in our lives, I know I will always stand by my man.

My Step-Kids

By the time I put Liliana down to sleep last night, the words for this post just wouldn't come together in my mind, so it's given me more time to think about everything.  This post is all about step-children and being a step-mother.  I know it's always a different situation for each family, but this is my experience so far.  

Maynor, Liliana, Daniela and Diana (our niece)

  To sum it up, being a step-mother has been frustrating to say the least.  I will give you a background to the children to understand where they are coming from.  Eduardo and his girlfriend got pregnant with Maynor when he was 18 just out of school.  She was still in school.  They got married and little over a year later had another baby, Daniela.  When Maynor was 2 years old and Daniela about 6 months, Eduardo went to the States to be able to provide a future for his family.  At the time he left, he and his wife had already split up.  He left the kids with her feeling that it was okay to leave because they atleast had their mother.  Then a year or two (not sure) later, Eduardo found out that his now ex-wife had left El Salvador and headed to the States as well, leaving the children behind.  This news was devastating because he had trusted her with them.

So where did that leave the kids?  She had left the kids in the care of her parents and had papers even written up.  The kids would then travel back and forth on the weekends, but not all, to Eduardo's mothers house.  I'm not sure if it was always like this, but it has been as long as I have known Eduardo.  So the poor children basically have grown up with their grandparents, only knowing their mother and father via telephone and webcams for the past 8 years. 

Liliana and Daniela

When Eduardo and I first got together, the knowledge of him having children didn't bother me too much.  Because our life was in the States it didn't really affect me.  He would send money every couple weeks and I knew he talked to them on a regular basis, but they were here I was there.  It was kinda "out of sight, out of mind."  Then when we decided to move to El Salvador, I knew things were going to change A LOT.  I was nervous as to how it was all going to work out, especially with Eduardo and I having our own child now, which upset the kids at first.  

Since being here for the past 9 months, we have had our share of ups and downs with the children.  It took them a while to warm up and there is still a long way to go with both Eduardo and myself.  They still live with their other grandparents and come here on the weekends.  Sometimes when they come, they are really happy to be here with their hearts wide open, but more than not they come somewhat reserved and stand-offish.  It has always been extremely frustrating for me.  Probably the hardest and most frustrating thing about being here are the kids.  It's hard because I cannot communicate with them and I desperately wish I could.  We try the best we can, but it's all surfacey stuff.  What makes it worse is that Eduardo's communication with them is not good and I wish sometimes that he would try harder to heal those relationships.  I don't always approve of the things that go on here, especially when the kids are involved, but I am often told "it's not my problem or business."  This is really hurtful because I want to open my heart fully to these kids and do all I can for them, but it's hard to feel to the desire when that's the response I get.  The kids are very close with Eduardo's mom which is natural.  She is basically their mother, but that relationship I feel hinders Eduardo's relationship with them.  

Fernando (a cousin), Eduardo and Maynor

I also feel that people in El Salvador just accept the way things are, they aren't into self-improvement or therapy or trying to heal relationships.  Atleast that's what I see.  Things are the way they are and that's it.  But that's such a frustrating attitude to me.  I have not been myself or the person I want and aspire to be since moving to El Salvador, but I do have the desire to be better and to improve my relationships, particularly with Eduardo.  I feel we need to model the behavior we want them and Liliana to see, but we don't.  Our communication has been terrible since moving here and we've grown distant.  I know that does not help in growing closer with the other kids.  But Liliana adores them and is so happy when they come.  She acts as the bridge between them and me and I think it helps to keep things light.  I am hoping our relationships can all change, only time will tell.

I had filed for residency for both Maynor and Daniela to be able to go to the States.  We paid the fees and were moving right along, but have come to a halt.  Their mother is refusing to sign the papers for them to get their passports and without passports they cannot get visas.  Everything has been put on hold.  It's very sad for them because they thought they were going and were so excited about it.  Now they know it probably won't happen for a long time.  I hope someday to be able to fly them back with us and take them to the zoo and to amusement parks and all the experiences of living in the States can bring.  They deserve that!