As I look back on what this year has brought me, I find myself filled with grief, sorrow and pain. But I am also filled with gratitude and hope.
I can remember when Liliana and I moved back to the States in May. It was one of the hardest decisions of our lives. We were having such a hard time in El Salvador and Eduardo and my relationship had just begun to start it's healing process after a rough few months. We mutually decided it was best for the family, but it wasn't without rivers of tears on my part.
I can still remember how I felt when I arrived. I was so lost and so vulnerable. I knew coming back was the right thing, but I didn't know who I was anymore. I had lost so much of myself to El Salvador, yet I had also gained more as person than I realized at the time.
I wasn't easy to be around in those first few months. I struggled with my decision and my loneliness. Liliana and I both had our bouts of being sick, what I call "detoxing from El Salvador."
I finally got back to working on my Cultured Veggie business and my Esperanza Imports business and I delve myself in completely to my goals of making money and supporting our family.
I formed some great relationships over the summer working the farmer's markets. It was my little family for a while and where I most felt at home. I can honestly say I love my work and wish I was still doing it now.
The fall and now winter brought some opportunities for my import business, but that has now dropped away after the holidays. I am now jobless and almost moneyless, but not quite yet! I'm still hanging in there. As my stepdad recently said to me, "You aren't going to go hungry here!" And I'm thankful for that.
Throughout this year, I have had great opportunities to grow as a person. I have experienced pain beyond belief and I have risen above it all. I have found strengths within myself I knew not existed. And most importantly I have grown as a mother.
The most important relationship besides my husband is Liliana. She is whom I wake up next to every morning and whom I go to bed with every night. I play with her and laugh with her and watch her grow by leaps and bounds every day. I'm constantly in awe at this little human being that has consumed my life in the best possible way. She is my light in the darkness. She shows me that through it all, love conquers.
I am blessed that I have had the opportunity to continue to live my dream, which is to stay at home with my daughter. Absolutely nothing else brings me a greater joy than being with my baby girl throughout my days. (even when it's not so easy and I'm desperate for some time alone with adults).
And even though my husband is thousands of miles away and we have not physically lived together in 7 1/2 months, he is in my heart and thoughts all the time. And I have to say that this time apart has made us grow as a couple in so many ways. I'm grateful for the relationship we have and how much we are both willing to continue to grow together and make things work.
So I'm not really into the whole New Year's Resolution thing. It may be a downer, but I'm just not. All I want is a New Year's prayer. I'm praying that 2012 brings more peace and joy to my family than ever before. I pray my husband can come home soon and we can be together as a family the way we have always imagined. Amen!!
Happy New Year's to all my blogging friends :) You are all in my thoughts tonight! (especially since I won't be drinking any champagne)