Holding On To Hope

I hoped and prayed that my husband would be back by Thanksgiving...he didn't come.  

I hoped and prayed my love would return by our daughter's 3rd birthday...still he didn't show.

I have hoped and prayed with all my might that my dear one would come back to us by Christmas...and yet again he will remain absent.

I was numb to the Christmas cheer and joy the past 2 weeks.  I think I felt that if I just pretended like Christmas was still far enough away, that he might, he just might be back by that day.  

This weekend I was reminded how this holiday was only a week away.  The flood of emotions swept in and choked me so tight I couldn't breathe.  The reality of the fact that there was no way his passport would reach him in time hit me like a ton of bricks.  

I spent 2 days with mom helping her shop to avoid the pain.  I've kept myself busy as to not have a moment to think.  It's better that way.

So now what? New Year's??  Is there a chance?  Would it be the slightest bit possible?  I really don't know.

But I do know that I'm holding on to hope.  

It's all I have left.  

What's New

So it's been a while.  The last month proved to be a tough one and it seemed hard to find inspiration in anything, even just a little to write a blog post.  But I am back and with many life updates.

The past two weeks I focused on nothing except finding myself a vehicle and finding my family a place to live.  My mother has been kind enough to let us use her car these past five months, but she was ready to have it back and I was ready to give it back.  There are a lot of details involved with the car purchase, but I won't go into it and just leave it at the fact that I actually bought one!  It's not total winner, but it was only $1500 and it will get us through until we get back on our feet again.  And the best part is that it's mine, all mine :)  It's a 1998 Dodge Grand Caravan.  I wanted a van so I can use it for all my markets and work things as well as day to day.  Some of you may recall we drove our beautiful Honda Odyssey down to El Salvador a year and a half ago with the intention of leaving it there.  Some have been open with their disapproval of that decision, but we've never regretted it at all!  But it did leave me here without a vehicle so I am happy to say that problem has been solved!  

The house/apartment hunt is still on.  I was hoping to move this month, but apparently you have to have money to rent an apartment and I'm a little short in that department.  So unfortunately my big plans fell through, but it's only for now.  I really wanted to have our own place by the time Eduardo came back, but we will just have to suck it up and wait until the circumstances are right.  But I am getting a head of the game and finding the places I like so it will be easier when the time comes.

Eduardo had his appointment with the psychiatrist on October 25th.  It went as well as it could and the doctor even admitted to all of this being "a big misunderstanding".  Gee thanks!  There are again more details with that, but the main point is that he is actually signing the papers we needed him to and forwarding them on to the next people that need to sign them.  Hallelujah!  

His next appointment is with the embassy in less than a week, on November 9th.  It's coming so close!  This will be his final appointment where he submits all the insane amounts of papers they have requested again and then the case will close and they will send him his passport with the visa stamped in it through the mail :)  Once he receives the passport, I will book his flight here as soon as possible.  My plan is for him to be here by Thanksgiving and then Liliana's 3rd birthday the week after.  Please God, let this happen!!!  I have been constantly praying this last appointment goes smoothly for us with no complications.  We certainly deserve it!

On a less dramatic note, Liliana had a dentist appointment last week.  It was routine, but I was nervous because she had been complaining of pain in her teeth.  Luckily everything was great!  But turns out the pain and grumpiness and sleeplessness had been side affects of her top molars coming in.  It was actually a relief to hear because we had seriously had a rough couple of weeks and I was feeling like a terrible mother because of our crazy interactions.  But the past week she seems to be feeling better because she is eating more, much happier and sleeping better, which makes me happier and sleeping better :)

We didn't do Halloween.  I didn't want to trick or treat.  Liliana is intensely afraid of anything in a costume so I didn't think it would go over well.  And then the thought of a basket full of candy in the house sent shivers up my spine thinking of all the tantrums and arguments it would cause.  So we hung out with a friend who was also not doing Halloween and I was happy with our choice :)  

Yesterday at the license branch Liliana was decked out in a pretty snazzy outfit she had picked out herself and the lady commented "oh, I see someone is still in Halloween mode."  I said "no, this is just everyday mode!"  It was pretty cute.  

Flying Internationally with a Toddler

I have now done the flight back and forth from Indy to El Salvador 4 times.  The first was when she was just 5 months old and the others have been in the past year.  I have to admit that flying with a baby/toddler is something I do not look forward to.  I guess the motto "expect the worst, hope for the best" is a great way to describe how I feel about the upcoming trip in less than a week.

When Liliana was still a baby, I flew with her and my mom to El Salvador for a vacation to see Eduardo's family.  I didn't expect the trip to be too bad and it was WAY worse than I expected.  Liliana screamed and cried the WHOLE way there and back.  She couldn't sleep and her ears bothered her.  It was exhausting to say the least.

The flight from Indy to San Salvador isn't quite as bad as the trip back.  It's about a 12 hour day of traveling.  Delta has one flight that always leaves and arrives at the same time.  It takes about 2 hours to get to the airport from our house, then you have to be an hour and a half early to the airport and wait and go through all the annoying checkpoints where they search everything twice.  After that we wait to board the plane, which we get to do early because I'm "traveling with a young child and need additional time."  So we get settled and then again we wait for everyone else to board and then there's usually some delay that keeps us from departing on time, god forbid.  Once in the air it's a game of Liliana falling asleep, waking up, keeping her entertained, taking her to the bathroom and calming her down when she is crying from discomfort, especially on the way down.

The flight from San Salvador to Atlanta is about 3 hours.  Once we are in Atlanta, we have to go through Customs.  We get off the plane and head down to pick up all our bags.  There are carts waiting and you have to take all your suitcases off the conveyer belt by yourself.  Doing this with a baby is near impossible alone, but with a toddler is slightly easier.  Sometimes you will get a nice gentleman eager to help in the struggle.  Once you have all your bags you have to try and stear the cart full of 8 bags and hold the baby/toddler at the same time.  Not an easy task either!  You get in line for customs. They look at you, your customs form and your bags and tell you to pass or you get pulled over.  Luckily for me, we've always been told to move on.  Then you maneuver your cart to the area for unloading.  Some big guy usually unloads them and you are sent on your way.  Then we wait in line for the x-ray machines and have to undress, take off shoes, all that fun stuff.  Then we have to get to the next line to wait for our turn with an Immigration official.  We show them our passports and the customs form we filled out on the plane.  Sometimes they ask questions and sometimes they don't.  I've gotten asked things like "what does your husband do?", "where do you work?", "How long were you gone?", that sort of thing.  An any case, we answer the questions and move on.  We then have to make a made dash to the opposite side of the HUGE Atlanta International Airport and pray we make it on time to the flight.  We barely do and board again.  We get situated and the game of keeping Liliana entertained, fed and sleeping continues.  She's been a trooper!  We take our 2 hour flight to Indianapolis from Atlanta and arrive about 10:30pm.  It's been a long day.  I barely can walk to the exit of the airport at this point.  My arms are sore from carrying a toddler and 3-4 carry-on bags.  We greet whoever is waiting for us and proceed to get our luggage.  We walk out to the carry and lay back for the 30-minute drive to the house.

It may be more expensive now to have to pay for a seat for Liliana since she turned 2 in December, but it's worth it!  Even though she still sits in my lap most of the ride, we at least have the extra room to eat, play and sleep when we want to.  And it's more privacy for nursing!  I'm hoping for the best on Sunday and will be thinking about some special surprises and treats I can take for Liliana for those "intense" moments.  I will let you all know how it goes.  Wish us luck!!

For more on traveling to El Salvador from the States and those visa and passport requirements, check out my ES Visa Requirements.

My Step-Kids

By the time I put Liliana down to sleep last night, the words for this post just wouldn't come together in my mind, so it's given me more time to think about everything.  This post is all about step-children and being a step-mother.  I know it's always a different situation for each family, but this is my experience so far.  

Maynor, Liliana, Daniela and Diana (our niece)

  To sum it up, being a step-mother has been frustrating to say the least.  I will give you a background to the children to understand where they are coming from.  Eduardo and his girlfriend got pregnant with Maynor when he was 18 just out of school.  She was still in school.  They got married and little over a year later had another baby, Daniela.  When Maynor was 2 years old and Daniela about 6 months, Eduardo went to the States to be able to provide a future for his family.  At the time he left, he and his wife had already split up.  He left the kids with her feeling that it was okay to leave because they atleast had their mother.  Then a year or two (not sure) later, Eduardo found out that his now ex-wife had left El Salvador and headed to the States as well, leaving the children behind.  This news was devastating because he had trusted her with them.

So where did that leave the kids?  She had left the kids in the care of her parents and had papers even written up.  The kids would then travel back and forth on the weekends, but not all, to Eduardo's mothers house.  I'm not sure if it was always like this, but it has been as long as I have known Eduardo.  So the poor children basically have grown up with their grandparents, only knowing their mother and father via telephone and webcams for the past 8 years. 

Liliana and Daniela

When Eduardo and I first got together, the knowledge of him having children didn't bother me too much.  Because our life was in the States it didn't really affect me.  He would send money every couple weeks and I knew he talked to them on a regular basis, but they were here I was there.  It was kinda "out of sight, out of mind."  Then when we decided to move to El Salvador, I knew things were going to change A LOT.  I was nervous as to how it was all going to work out, especially with Eduardo and I having our own child now, which upset the kids at first.  

Since being here for the past 9 months, we have had our share of ups and downs with the children.  It took them a while to warm up and there is still a long way to go with both Eduardo and myself.  They still live with their other grandparents and come here on the weekends.  Sometimes when they come, they are really happy to be here with their hearts wide open, but more than not they come somewhat reserved and stand-offish.  It has always been extremely frustrating for me.  Probably the hardest and most frustrating thing about being here are the kids.  It's hard because I cannot communicate with them and I desperately wish I could.  We try the best we can, but it's all surfacey stuff.  What makes it worse is that Eduardo's communication with them is not good and I wish sometimes that he would try harder to heal those relationships.  I don't always approve of the things that go on here, especially when the kids are involved, but I am often told "it's not my problem or business."  This is really hurtful because I want to open my heart fully to these kids and do all I can for them, but it's hard to feel to the desire when that's the response I get.  The kids are very close with Eduardo's mom which is natural.  She is basically their mother, but that relationship I feel hinders Eduardo's relationship with them.  

Fernando (a cousin), Eduardo and Maynor

I also feel that people in El Salvador just accept the way things are, they aren't into self-improvement or therapy or trying to heal relationships.  Atleast that's what I see.  Things are the way they are and that's it.  But that's such a frustrating attitude to me.  I have not been myself or the person I want and aspire to be since moving to El Salvador, but I do have the desire to be better and to improve my relationships, particularly with Eduardo.  I feel we need to model the behavior we want them and Liliana to see, but we don't.  Our communication has been terrible since moving here and we've grown distant.  I know that does not help in growing closer with the other kids.  But Liliana adores them and is so happy when they come.  She acts as the bridge between them and me and I think it helps to keep things light.  I am hoping our relationships can all change, only time will tell.

I had filed for residency for both Maynor and Daniela to be able to go to the States.  We paid the fees and were moving right along, but have come to a halt.  Their mother is refusing to sign the papers for them to get their passports and without passports they cannot get visas.  Everything has been put on hold.  It's very sad for them because they thought they were going and were so excited about it.  Now they know it probably won't happen for a long time.  I hope someday to be able to fly them back with us and take them to the zoo and to amusement parks and all the experiences of living in the States can bring.  They deserve that!