Sunday, June 12, 2011

Do I Make You Uncomfortable?

This is what I feel like saying to people a lot lately.  I get so many "oh, how are you doing" sayings from people that sometimes I just want to puke.  I mean seriously, unless you REALLY want to know and actually care, then why ask?!  Because when I say "oh, we're great", everything is fine and the conversation moves on.  But if I hesitate and say "oh, things are okay" in a way that really states that they are not so great, the conversation then tends to move to an uncomfortable place.

I'm sorry if my lack of enthusiasm for our situation is uncomfortable for you.  I certaintly do not sit around feeling sorry for myself or being depressed.  I'm WAY too busy keeping myself busy for that.  BUT, I'm also sick of feeling the need to pretend that I'm fine and that everything in my life is fine.  Because it's not.  It just isn't.  I'm not okay with the fact that I am constantly worrying that my husband may be killed at any moment because everyone seems to be in our small town in El Salvador.  I'm not okay with being completely broke and having to rely on other people for money and owing people money.  I'm not okay with living with my parents and having other people judging every move I make as a parent to my own daughter all the time.  And I'm not going to pretend I am.

I'm sorry if my having a bad day makes you uncomfortable.  I'm human.  There's only so much of the day I can fill with keeping my mind occupied.  There's only so much I can do to pretend my situation is a blessing to me and how one day it will all be better.  Some days it just doesn't feel like it will.

Today is one of those days.


Sarah A.T.J. said...

Wow. You have SOOOO much happening (and NOT happening) in your life right now. And in the last few years. If people can't understand that then they really shouldn't be asking how you are.

I'm sorry you are having such a bad day:( Hold on. You can do it!!

Heather said...

I know exactly how you feel it just gets old sometimes putting on a smile and saying I am fine when really your not. I just think people have a hard time understanding our situations. Stay strong!

Daniell Kaster said...

I hear ya! Maybe it's something about American culture, that we don't like to look at/acknowledge/be OK with the darker side of things?

Kelsey said...

Sarah - Thanks for the encouragment! It really helps knowing there are people out there that care and are rooting for us :)

Heather - I have to constantly remind myself that so many people just don't understand the whole immigration system and laws. And they don't understand why we would go through all this for someone else in the first place! I say those people have never been in love!!

Daniell - So true in so many aspects of life. This reminded me of our postpartum stories. People just want to hear things are good and don't want to acknowledge the other sides as you say.

Geigerin said...

Kelsey, I'm sorry you have so many challenges right now. I can't fathom fearing for Barry's life every day. You can always share your ups and downs with us.

I hope you can come to homebirth group tomorrow. I can't wait to see you! Hugs.

Patti @ Jazzy Mama said...

HUGS to you, Kelsey. I send you warm thoughts of Freedom and Joy.

Kelsey said...

Thanks Patti! I hope this wasn't your first visit to my blog ;) I really enjoy your blog a lot! Thanks for stopping by!