I don't know why, but the past week I find myself looking back at Liliana's old baby pictures A LOT. I find myself reminiscing on the first few months of her life and at times wishing I could just go back to that time just for a day.
Liliana Cristina Tepas was born on December 2nd, 2008 at 1:50pm. She was 6 lbs 12 oz and 18 inches long. She was born into a birthing tub in the living room of our home after 17 hours of labor. Giving birth was the single most profound experience of my life and I will never forget it. Laboring and giving birth at home was the most beautiful thing. It was harder than I ever imagined, but in the end worth any pain I could have felt.
Not one person could have prepared me for the emotions that came with having a baby girl. Having a girl was something I wished for and didn't know if it would be until she came out. I have never experienced the degree of love as I did those first few days of her life. I found myself crying endlessly completely overwhelmed by love and emotion. It was so intense.
Maybe I am remembering all this now as she is getting a little older. I know she will only be 3 in December, but she is growing by leaps and bounds every day. Eduardo will hardly believe how much she has changed in 4 months when he sees her soon. She has always been her own little person with her moods and personality, but now it's 10-fold.
At times it can be hard to handle, especially raising her on my own right now. But in these last hours of the night when I see my baby girl laying in bed so peacefully, I get taken back to the pure space of love I have unconditionally for this little being. She is my greatest gift and my greatest Teacher.
Maybe I am at the time that a lot of women come to when they have another baby. Maybe it fills that yearning inside. I do not know if I will ever have another child. I always say I won't and God knows Eduardo does not want to, but there's also that chance if it's meant to be. It's not something I want really, especially not now, but we never know ;)
All I know now is that I love my Liliana more than I could ever put into words and that's the feeling I have to hold tight through the battles we seem to get into lately. She really is my calm in the storm, even when she is the storm.