Wednesday, April 28, 2010

I hate El Salvador!

This is a harsh statemtent, I know. But it seems to be the only way to sum up how my first week in El Salvador is going. We got here Friday night and it is now only Wednesday. It feels as if weeks have gone by and it´s been mere days. It could be because we wake up around 6am with the roosters and go to bed around 8pm well after dark.

Saturday and Sunday were super overwhelming. Almost all I can remember now is that I cried A LOT those first 2 days. The 2 kids and Eduardo´s niece, Diana, were here all weekend and I´m not really used to be around older aged kids. Older than Liliana atleast. Eduardo was with them most of the time and talking with what seemed like hundreds of people that stopped by the house constantly. My MIL went everywhere with us because she knows the towns. It was just all too much, especially after our 9 day car trip!

The last couple days have been better in the sense that I´m not constantly crying. It has been a very long time since I have experienced the intensity of emotions I have since being here. The anger, resentment, sadness and depression are super intense. The negativity surrounding me is disgusting. I barely even recognize myself. Who is this horrible person that has taken over me?! I knew this day would eventually come where life as I knew it would drastically change, but now that it´s here, I just want my old life back. I feel selfish that I don´t want to share my husband with anyone else. I´ve been the center of his attention since we met and Liliana has been papa´s little princess since she was born and now there´s a whole new family we have to share with. Please don´t judge me. I know these thoughts are horrible. I know I should welcome them all with open arms, that´s the type of person I am. But I can´t seem to get the negativity out of my head. It consumes me. I´ve been trying to find the positive things about our situation and I just can´t.

El Salvador seemed so different last year when I was here, but I don´t think it´s the country that has changed, I know it´s my view of it. This time I´m here, I know I will be here a long time. We did find a shower head that puts out hot water! That is a positive point. I couldn´t handle the freezing cold showers even for a day. We bought a king size bed for $260 for the 3 of us to sleep in and we replaced the shitty air conditioner with a brand new one yesterday. We slept well last night! It´s just the whole lifestyle down here that is so different and it will take a while to get used to. A friend of mine sent me a link to a definition of Culture Shock. It was actually really good to read to see I´m not just going crazy, that these feelings are very common for someone in my situation. I´m just praying I will start to feel better before my MIL starts to think I´m just a complete bitch! I´m really not, I swear!


Mandie said...

Huge, huge ((hugs))!! I don't judge you even for one second! I think you are an amazing woman for even making the trip in the first place. I hope things get easier for you soon.

Tonya said...

You have ben through so much in the past few days and are adjusting to a different culture, life changes and the weather to name a few. You are not bad, judgemental or any thing other than human. Sending positive, happy thoughts and that time flies by.

Anonymous said...

Hey Kelsey, it's Christy. I think it's fascinating that you have moved to El Salvador, and having spent 4 months in Ecuador, I can really sympathize with how difficult it can be to adjust. I too felt oddly depressed in Ecuador, (and then felt worse by feeling guilty for feeling depressed!!) What made me the happiest there was reading A New Earth by Eckhard Tolle. Very grounding. Make sure to take time for yourself everyday to just return to center, because your center is there no matter what country you're in. Looking back, I would tell myself to let go of any notion of what life as I knew it was like...You're gonna do just fine. :)

julie said...

I pretty much could've written this exact same post, it expresses exactly how I felt when I first arrived here! It's gotten a hundred times better but I still feel isolated sometimes and miss home.