Wednesday, February 16, 2011


I've always felt I have a good sense of my Self and am in touch with my intuition.  You know, those feelings you get about things.  When you just know you should or shouldn't do something or say something.  Well me and my intuition have always been on the same page.  I've always trusted myself to know when something is right or not, although I've always had a tendency to be indecisive.

Well this past year has brought about a lot of change in my life and not all of it I quite frankly care for.  I've become someone I feel I no longer know.  I feel I have "lost" my Self as I did as a teenager.  Within this great abyss my sense of intuition has tended to wander off as well.  Atleast it seems.  Maybe it's not quite as far off as I think it is?!

Every since I returned to El Salvador from my last trip to the States in December, I have dreaded the idea of going back again in March when our return tickets are scheduled for.  I haven't felt good about going.  There are a list of reasons I have, but basically things haven't gone well the last two visits and honestly I fear the worst again.  I know I should be more positive, I've always been a more positive person.  But this journey the past year seems to have gotten the best of me.

Eduardo and I have had many a conversation about the trip in March and in the end it's always come down to the fact that I don't really have a choice.  I have to go!  Though I have pleaded my case and given a downright good list of reasons why I shouldn't go, Eduardo won't budge.  He finally said that I shouldn't go because my attitude is so negative that nothing will go right because of that.  What do I say to that?!  And is it me being negative or me responding to that feeling deep in my gut?!

Is it my intuition telling me that it's just not a good idea to go this time, to just change our tickets and extend my visa and go back in June?  Or has my negativity clouded my judgement and my fear taken over my heart that was once wide-open to the world?

I know going to the States will work out if it's need be.  That's not a question.  The thing is that no matter what the circumstances are there, it's not comfortable for me.  Eduardo and I seem to have maxed out our share of asking for favors.  What we thought would be a year here will most likely be three.  How could we have known that?!  And how can others judge us for the unknown?!  You really can't judge someone until you have walked in their shoes, I understand that statement more than ever now.  I will try me best to ignore this sinking feeling and I know I will get excited about eating good food again and going shopping for the necessities, seeing my good friends.  There's a lot to be excited about.  But something's got me feeling sad and questioning myself.  I'm hoping this is just another bump in the road on the path back to my Self.


Sarah A.T.J. said...

:( That sounds so hard! I know that when I get a bad feeling about going somewhere, I don't go! In your case, with all your legal requirements, it seems like you HAVE to go though:(
What a crazy life you have right now! I bet you are always saying to yourself: "In just a couple of years..."
No real advice, just sympathy!

Kelsey said...

Thanks Sarah! Oh yes, I definitely fall into the "in a couple years" thing a lot. It actually drives me crazy because I don't want to live in the future and just sit around waiting for my life to start. I need to just embrace what I have now, which is easy sometimes and not so easy other times.

Rebecca said...

Sorry you are stuggling. Is there something in particular you are dreading or just a bad feeling in general?

Heather said...

Kelsey I hate having that internal struggle of when you know that something just doesn't feel right. I think all you can do right now if pray for the best, maybe it is just anxiety about the trip. Good Luck you will make the right decision.

Kelsey said...

It's just been an overall feeling. I have gotten a lot of things put into place for the trip in the last few days. I have a place to stay, etc. That makes me feel better. I still hate that I have to rely on everyone for everything it seems right now, but that's just how it is. I'm trying to be optimistic about the trip as we leave in 3 weeks now. I know it will go fast. I'll be staying with one of my best friends so it should be a fun time as long as the family drama stays to a minimum! Thanks for everyone's kind words.