Sunday, March 20, 2011

Torn Between Two Worlds

This seems to be a theme in my life ever since I can remember.  It started as being torn between my mother and father when they divorced when I was 7.  It continued through high school as I desperately searched to find which "group" it was I belonged with.  After high school I went to college for a year because I felt that was my best option, only to drop out after a year and run off to North Carolina to join a meditation retreat.  

Even during my 7 years involved with a close-knit meditation community (or cult you could say), I struggled between my life on the road and wanting to settle down.  I loved being involved with such a small group of people that were my family at the time.  I didn't need to worry about all the "worldly" responsibilities.  I had God and that's all I needed at the time.  But then things changed.  I've always loved traveling and experiencing new places and people, but through all my years of traveling the one thing I always seemed to want was a "normal" life and a sense of stability.  I couldn't help but wonder what it was like out there in the world on my own.  

After those many years of wonderful and not so great experiences, I decided to give this "normal" life a chance.  I divorced my first husband whom I'd met in the cult, got a regular job, got my very own apartment and tried to get back the years I felt I had lost during my years of seclusion.  It was a great time of self-discovery, of really being on my own.  

During that time I met my dear Eduardo.  We dated, got married, had a baby, a house.  All the "normal" things that people do.  And it was great!  I never felt so much stability and security in my life.  Having a family was the greatest gift, the one thing I seemed to be missing in my life.  

Well then life changed again.  We decided to go through the immigration process.  In the end, our process took us to El Salvador.  My "stability and security" was uprooted once again.  I found myself torn between the "normal" life and a life on the road, in a different country and culture.  

Now that I've adapted to life in El Salvador, Eduardo and I have conversations about how much we actually do enjoy our life there.  We talk about ways we can have the best of both worlds, how to live in both countries simultaneously and make it work.  There are things I enjoy and dislike about both countries.  But thinking that way leads me back to having the life I've always lived as compared to this life I seem to think I am supposed to have.  

The past couple months I have been researching a type of schooling called "Unschooling".  I've always known I would homeschool Liliana, but this take homeschooling to a whole new level.  It's something I am really resonating with the more I read and research on the topic.  It just seems to "fit" with our life.  It's a more relaxed approach to "schooling" that I will address at a different time.  But the point is that I can make it fit into our lives so easily no matter how our life will look.  

I read other blogs about families that travel and the fun and neat experiences they have and I yearn for that, I love that idea.  But then why is there the part of me that dreams of a house that I can decorate and have a "special" room for Liliana.  A life where Eduardo has a job that provides us with everything we need.  That "normal" kind of life.  That sense of security.  

I feel like there must be a balance out there somewhere.  That maybe when the battle inside of myself dies down, maybe the battle on the outside will too.  Maybe we can have everything we want if we just let go of what we think our lives are supposed to look like.  When I look at what it is I have now, it is a lot of what I've always wanted.  It may not look exactly how I would like it to right now, but I have faith that it will in time.  I have to believe that I can have it all, that I don't have to be torn between different worlds.  Maybe I'm creating my own world and it's the best one!


Anonymous said...

First of all, I find your blog fascinating! It is so good to read such honest outpouring of thoughts and feelings. I once wrote you a long comment, and then it totally dissappeared and I didn't have the heart to rewrite it. Anyhoo, do you really look back now and see what you were in as a cult? How interesting! Keep up the writing!

Kelsey said...

Thanks Christy! I definitely see it as cult-ish that's for sure. I'm glad you are enjoying the blog!!